When we first took our independence, one of your Founding Fathers—later a president—warned about “the cannibals of the terrible republic” and urged fear that “this combustion [of ours might be] introduced among [the U.S. population].” Fair enough. We were audacious enough to insist that Black people were human beings too—how dare we. But surely, after two centuries, you understand that we only ever cannibalize and combust ourselves.

In the early 1800s, your newspapers and congressmen described our existence as “an experiment pregnant with evils,” in which “a government of brigands” offered “a scene of horror and anarchy.” Later, in the late nineteenth century, Senator Benjamin Tillman would invoke Haiti to demonstrate “the absurdity of Negro sovereignty.” At the beginning of the twentieth century, the State Department and the U.S. Marines followed up by occupying a land deemed “incapable of self-government,” inhabited by “a people who must be handled like children.” We know that, to this day, the assessment has not changed much—but surely, after two centuries, you can admit that any brigandry on our part was always turned inward.

Which brings me to the wisdom of your current president, who once asked the timely question: “Why are we having all these people from shithole countries come here?” You know what happens when the U.S. bombs countries? People from those countries tend to migrate to the United States. And you probably already have enough cat-eating Haitians over there.

We’re not worth the bomb. I promise. We’re a “shithole country” with “the most repugnant elites” on Earth. Not that you are planning to, but sending a missile our way would be a waste of several hundred thousand dollars. There is truly no need for a destroyer in our waters. The USS Southland can surely find better things to do than joining Canada’s failed crusade against illegal fishing.